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hello any kind words accepted


hi
I joined because I am now experiencing physical symptoms from the abuse of the narcissists. Prior to this it was manageable because it was painful but nothing went wrong physically aside from when I endured nosebleeds, migraines, teeth clenching, and IBS in childhood and adolescence. I went through a crisis because my periods went haywire and I started to get what I thought were hot flashes but I am way too young but which turned out to be high prolactin levels in the brain which controls menstruation, plays a role in sustaining sleep and many other processes. I do not trust people so I am not going to come off as the kind person I am on this board because I have been hurt badly by a narcissistic clan and I like to read people before I engage with them and I cannot do that not in person. I just don't wish to be mobbed. I do not think enough people know about this situation and the way I feel is constantly in fear because in the United States narcissism is not only encouraged but celebrated. I am a dual citizen and grateful to be a citizen of Western Europe so beautiful. I never have to go back to the States. Western Europe has very few narcissists.
however I have been waiting for my official passport to come in a Balkan country because I did not want to break any rules but there are always things which can be done and i am an eu citizen and have the right to live anywhere so i will go in 3 weeks. I have been avoiding going to the country I really want to live here in Europe due to fear. I am stopping this behavior because I need to be supported and being in a Balkan nation temporarily is NOT helping me.
Anyway have you ever found that you keep isolating yourself despite your efforts thinking a place will be good for you and it isn't what you need? I think I need to follow my bliss. Control and strife is not the way to go. I need support and I have none. I am going through the early part of no contact again after a very long period of no contact because the physical illness brought something out of my subconscious I knew was there but I did not know it was strong. I did not know that a physical illness would create such intense anxiety(high prolactin causes mood swings) so much so I contacted the narc for money since my insurance hasn't kicked in. when I did it I knew it was wrong and I should trust Nature but when I was little my narc mother used to tell me about all terminal illnesses. she had no conscience nor did she recognize what was appropriate to tell a thre year old maybe she recognized perfectly well and didn't care more likely. So I had been away from the narcs for YEARS and I broke no contact it hurt me in so many ways I cannot tell you. They were horribly verbally abusive when it was uncertain what I may have they screamed obscenities ninto the phone at me when I told them I could have a tumor and it was just so horrible this is my mother and my sister a decade 0older than I. These people together manipulated other family members into abusing me when they weren't around. it was excruciating so I find myself in my life with no people. people like me especially men but I prefer dogs. when I was two a dog jumped form a pickup truck and went through two doors a downstairs and upstairs miraculously and put his paw on the couch where I lay ill because my parents maladministered an antibiotic which I later learned I was allergic to. dogs are my family. I will let people in but I have been travelling so much I have not put down roots. maybe that also is why I didn't go to my country of desire but stayed waiting for all official papers. I know I need to go there. I speak the language and it is a modern society where I can get support. the first place I go may not be perfect but I will find the right place. anyway I have wonderful things coming my way so much to look forward to in my new country of choice. I will remember this when the sleep panic deprives me of sleep and I worry. Also my spirituality is the world to me and I have not been devoting the energy any really to it everything has been fear based and the "next move" I need to relax and tomorrow I am going to the beach and I will be able to hopefully sleep.


Last edited by liloneleaves, 10/8/2018, 7:04 pm
10/8/2018, 6:51 pm Link to this post Email liloneleaves   PM liloneleaves Blog
 
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Re: hello any kind words accepted


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Whoosh-ChelSierra-Muse - Twi-Saga
10/8/2018, 11:48 pm Link to this post Email Joxcenia   PM Joxcenia Blog
 
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Re: hello any kind words accepted


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Whoosh-ChelSierra-Muse - Twi-Saga
10/8/2018, 11:52 pm Link to this post Email Joxcenia   PM Joxcenia Blog
 


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